To call CPS...

My mom will probably be quite offended that I posted this picture. But then, she shouldn't have emailed it to me. She's knows I'm not going to call her to task. I mean, she'll just give them back to me! Besides, I'm sure she fed them...

A Vent

photo credit: selva

I'm SO tired of SPAM! I know we all are, but really. This is ridiculous. WHO is actually buying all these meds and... erm... enhancements? Please tell me there really isn't someone THAT ignorant! And the worse... lately I've been getting loads and loads of variations on the Nigerian scam. You know, where someone has a will with no heir and they have the same surname as me! And I can be that heir! And if I just give some perfect stranger ALL of my personal information! And... oh... a coupla grand to pay for all the transfers up front... I could be rich!! Really, who FALLS FOR THIS?!

So I guess the spammers are realizing that people aren't falling for this? It's a guess, but today I got this email:

The Federal Bureau of Investigation
FBI Seattle Office
1110 Third Avenue
Seattle, Washington 98101-2904
Phone: (206) 350-6981

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), Has discovered through our intelligence Monitoring Network, that you have an on going transaction with a Financial Institution in Nigeria, as the owner of the said sum $7,500,000.00 USD confirmed on a certified cashier's check.

So the Federal Bureau Of Investigation (FBI) Seattle, Washington in conjunction with The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), Has screened through our various Monitoring Networks and has been confirmed and notified that the transaction you have with the Financial Institution is Legal and you have the Lawful Right to claim your due fund. We advise you to go ahead with the transaction as we are monitoring all their services and networks. Be advised that any letter or claims notification received from anybody or company should be forwarded to us with immediate effect.

Meanwhile, you are advised to follow the procedure of the Financial Institution. They have their own legal procedure which we have examined and confirmed legal. Follow their instructions while you keep us updated for more details. You are advised to contact the necessary office for more details of transfer as we are monitoring every move now.

Please, be advised and be aware that your funds had been insured and the necessary charges would be taken care of by you, as confirmed by the Monitoring network. For your own good you are advised to confirm any transaction or lottery promo you have either involved yourself with in the past to enable us trace this scammers. Only the Financial Institution has been confirmed Legal any other are still under investigation, and so many others are scam, most especially from Nigeria and Africa.

You are to contact the EFCC Director of Operation Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde with the information below in regards to more details on your funds.

Mr. Ibrahim Lamorde (Director of Operations)
The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC)
Phone: +234 1 479 0580
E-mail: efcc-ng@live.com

If you need to contact me at any stage please do not hesitate to call (206) 350-6981.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Robert S. Mueller, III (Director)
The Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Wow! The director of the FBI wrote to me, personally. ME! To let me know that this transaction is legal. Whew! What a load off my chest. And it MUST be THE Robert Mueller because his email address says so - even though the reply-to is a different address. I'm sure that's to forward to his secretary. Gosh, I would have guessed the director of the FBI to have better grammar and punctuation. And I'm not fond of them just monitoring my transactions. But so nice of them to tell me I'm going to be rich legally. /sarcasm

I'm so sick of spam!

Amazon.com thinks I'm gay!!

I charged enough with my Amazon.com Visa card that they sent me another $25 gift certificate. We won't discuss how many of those I've earned. So I went to to look around and see what I could buy. I have a love/hate relationship with Amazon.com's recommendations. I love seeing things they think I'd like. And then I hate liking them because I want to buy them. But today...

First, I see And Tango Makes Three. The cover has cute little penguins. Aww... Amazon.com knows I have children. And they know that my kids love penguins. Let me just read the summary...

This tale based on a true story about a charming penguin family living in New York City's Central Park Zoo will capture the hearts of penguin lovers everywhere. Roy and Silo, two male penguins, are "a little bit different." They cuddle and share a nest like the other penguin couples, and when all the others start hatching eggs, they want to be parents, too. Determined and hopeful, they bring an egg-shaped rock back to their nest and proceed to start caring for it. They have little luck, until a watchful zookeeper decides they deserve a chance at having their own family and gives them an egg in need of nurturing.

Umm... okay... gay penguins. Not exactly what I was looking for but I guess the illustrations are sweet. No... I'll pass. Back to the main page. What's this? One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads. Two Dads... like a bio dad and an adopted dad? A dad and a step-dad? No, of course we mean two dads who are in love, kind of like Roy and Silo. Wow... okay. Let's just refresh. Oh, yeah, I don't even have to click that one - Emma and Meesha My Boy: A Two Mom Story.

So, I think I know why Amazon.com thinks I'm gay... It all started from an article I was reading in the School Library Journal that referenced a list of the most often books blocked from public and/or school libraries. Or something like that. I followed a link that lead to Amazon's listing on one of the books about a lesbian couple. But the problem is, Amazon.com STILL thinks I'm gay! Because that stupid penguin book - click - "oh Anna DOES like alternate lifestyle books!" Every refresh takes me deeper and deeper... maybe that's not the phrase I want to use.

I'm in the process of un-gaying myself. I did a search for books with the keyword "marriage." And I clicked on The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. And Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows. And Sacred Marriage. But I just realized, Amazon.com is just going to think my marriage isn't working because I'M GAY!

5 things you may not know about me

1. I have an unreasonable fear of natural disasters. Tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, floods. I think it's a control thing. I'm not sure. But I would love to visit California, for example, and I'm still trying to gather the courage to do so, as I imagine as soon as I step off the plane, the entire state will break off from the rest of the Union and sink into the ocean. Jonathan laughs as I gather the children into the closet to play flashlight games when we get a tornado warning.
   
2. I can do the hokie pokie with my eyeballs. Basically, I can cross them, sure, but I can also leave one pointed inward and move the other in and out. Almost individual control over each eye except I can't point both eyeballs outwards.
3. When I was in middle school - seventh grade, I think - I became a militant left-hander. I've always been left handed for most things, but at this time I took it to a whole new level. I had playing cards that when fanned as right-hander, none of the nunbers and suits would show in the corner (fan a regular deck like a left-hander!). I had spiral notebooks bound on the right. Measuring cups, scissors. But the biggie was that I wrote everything from right to left. I had accepting teachers, thank goodness, that held my papers in front of mirrors to read and to grade. My handwriting from right to left was far better than from left to right, and with just a few minutes of practice, it still is.
4. I have tinnitus. I've had it for as long as I can remember. I remember hating when we had to be completely quiet in school because the ringing in my ears became so loud to me that it bothered me. I'd often fidget and turn things on just for the white noise to block out the sound. The thing is, I didn't realize anything was wrong with me. I thought there was just no such thing as actual silence. I think that's part of what interested me in deaf education initially. Because I thought deaf people were the only ones that could "hear" true silence. It wasn't until an audiology class in COLLEGE that I found out that I have a condition that most people don't. I wept. I still have tinnitus and have done nothing for it medically. Just the knowing is enough to make me feel better about it. And I make good use of my white noise alarm clock at night. Besides, with three young kids, I barely ever have enough silence to notice the ringing.
5. I have a third breast. Well, that's how Jonathan likes to say it. But when I was pregnant with Meghan, I had a hard lump in my arm pit that grew a bit. I got it checked out and was told that it was extra breast tissue. It's about the size of a plum and mostly all in my pit. It even lactates when I'm nursing babies. Yeah, I can squirt milk out of my armpit. You can only see my third breast at all when I wear a tank top and only when you compare to my other side because it just looks like I'm a bit more fatty on my left at the pit. But it's extremely painful if that area is pushed at all. You don't think you get pushed in your pit much until you have an extra breast there and then you realize that's not THAT private of an area - your pit. I could be laying on my side watching TV and one of the kids will try to climb up with me and push down there. Very excruciating.
   

So there's five things about me. Your turn, Beth.

Wah wah.

I'd like to point out that June did NOT mention how I surprised her ON HER BIRTHDAY at Dad and Charla's one year where I brought a cake I'd decorated MYSELF and I think even decorated their house a little. ON HER BIRTHDAY. Big whiner.

Does say much for the size of his...

Talking to a shirtless two-year old boy with the tiniest of outtie belly buttons poking just above his pajama bottoms....

"Nathan, where's your belly button?"
"Don't know!" Looking down "Oh! Look! I think it's my penis!"
"That's NOT your penis!"
"No, look, it's right dere!"
"Nathan, that's your belly button!"
"Oh... Yer right. My penis is down here. Wanna see it?"

Remembering Tina Nelms

If you ask Beth what she thinks I remember most of her mother, she'll likely mention a dead possum. But honestly, while that's kind of a funny one, it's not the most vivid memory, nor my favorite.

I was there the day Beth made The Big Mistake. I was dressed for the occasion in a dress my sister made and my mother burned with the iron - it's okay, you could barely tell. My hair. Wow. It was not very attractive. I let the stylist "do whatever" and it was put in this... uh... it was up. But over all I looked like I belonged at a wedding. But this isn't about me.

Tina looked pretty. I remember that, even though I couldn't have told you what she wore until Beth posted a picture from That Day the day after Tina died. I remember how pretty she looked because of the look in her eyes, the love in her face. And I remember thinking, wondering, if Beth could see that because Beth was so busy with everything else a bride is supposed to be worried about plus some extra garbage because, after all, it was The Big Mistake.

I remember having my own silent moment watching Tina watch Beth. Charla was primping up Beth with her own pride and happiness, and the photographer was getting in there getting pictures. And Tina just watched from a few feet back. Quiet and proud. I have no idea the exact words she was thinking. It could have been something like, "Look how beautiful my daughter is! How proud I am! She's smart, and good and fun and beautiful and I'm in awe that I gave birth to this." It could have been, "I hope this is all over in time to get back for TMC's showing of Annie Get Your Gun." I wasn't in her head, and I don't know. But I'm certain that whatever the words, the look of love for her daughter was a little moment I got to steal for myself. It was like when you go for a walk off the beaten path and there's a flower there, a beautiful little flower that no one else in the world will ever get to see but you. Maybe I'm just a mush about this kind of stuff, but when I see beauty that I realize only I will ever get to see, I get a tiny bit of a rush at the gift. It makes it that much more special. And that's how I felt watching Beth's mom watch Beth. Everyone else was watching Beth. I was watching something so beautiful and real and it was mine – everyone else was missing the moment. Luckily Tina never looked at me to be creeped out by my staring.

Then I realized the photographer was taking a million pictures of Beth, and getting everyone fussing over Beth. And since Tina was just watching. And looking a little nervous, like she felt out of place, even among the beauty of her love and admiration. Since she wasn't saying anything, she wasn't being included. So, I asked the photographer to be sure to take pictures of Beth and her mom. And there is one of my favorite pictures of any wedding of any time. Beth looks so happy. And though some of that special look was gone from her mom and exchanged for the "oh my! I'm going to be in a picture with Beth!" - that's my picture, because I saw her before.

Later, Tina thanked me for getting her into pictures. She didn't feel right asking to be herself. That's one thing that I will always be proud of, though even as I type I realize how trivial it will sound. And that's my favorite and most vivid memory of one of my best friend's mom.